it's that starbucks thing...last night i had a dream that some woman at the airport sold me some expensive gloves because i was going to iceland...gloves i didn't want but didnt know i was buying til my credit card had run and the gloves were in my hands...and then a few minutes later i look down and i'm holding a half-finished caramel frappucino with whipped cream...realizing i've been cheating without realizing it...mad/upset/whatever...some rush of emotions while i try to backtrack to where this drink came from etc...used to have the same dream about cigarettes...looking at my hand and seeing a half-smoked cigarette dangling from my fingers, saying to myself Damn i guess i'm a smoker again. where did i get the idea i didn't have control over whether or not i became addicted to stuff? grew up hearing that "Detricks are addictive personalities" and it's crazy how we believe what we hear. jesus who would say that to a kid? refused to go to vegas forever because i was sure i was gonna become a gambling addict with the first hand of blackjack...a game i loved to play as a kid with my brothers...
addictive personality...really? breeding weakness...smh...
walking back from the gym this morning i automatically cross 14th street with starbucks on the back burner of my mind...when i come face to face with my actual consciousness--starbucks...caramel frappucino...sugar...i realize how sugar is seeped into my limbs...walking across that street was all auto-pilot... i hadn't even formed the thought in my consciousness, it just happened, like breathing. hrmmph...Day 2...
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
i definitely have a no-sugar-related headache. duriyyah said tonight in class, "you'll get a headache" and i was like, i have one but it's not from that...and as soon as i said it, i realized she was right--it was from the lack of sugar. funny how we deny stuff. anyway i don't even want sugar right this second...i want a fat cheeseburger from johnny's carryout and about 5 episodes of the boondocks while in bed just before i fall asleep, but what i'm gonna get isgo pick up my daughter from cindy's and then maybe edit her homeowrk a little bit and whatever. maybe i do want sugar. i gave away my box of junior mints and mini-snickers tonight--to aaron--and i wasmad i hadn't eaten them before. i feel like so much of my day has been spent with sugar somewhere on the edges/center of my mind...i realized tonight that thinking about that whole thanksgiving sweet potato pie thing makes it harder...i'm fast-forwarding in my head to all the pies i can't eat on t-giving and that's making me feel all martyr-like, like just imaging the future deprivation makes it feel like the sacrifice is happening now. which is one way we mess with our own heads--we imagine bad stuff that's gonna happen in the future and we hate our lives NOW because of it (well not really hate our lives but worry/fear/whatever), and that's kinda crazy. i mean, i'm not feeling the sweet potato pie deprivation NOW because NOW isn't t-giving day, so why go through all this mental mind-game stuff to make myself feel bad now AND later? we really do help create ourselves in the most negative of ways....like, "i want to be a lawyer...but what if i don't get into law school? what if i don't pass the bar? what if i'm a terrible lawyer?" so we never even take a law class, because we've already mentally undone ourselves, which is another way of saying we fucked ourselves up. for noooooooo reason--wth?
hungry...tired...cold (they need to put some heat in this 5th floor library)...headache-y...but interested in where this road will take me. every time i give up sugar i learn something different...some things--plural--different. more tomorrow-----
hungry...tired...cold (they need to put some heat in this 5th floor library)...headache-y...but interested in where this road will take me. every time i give up sugar i learn something different...some things--plural--different. more tomorrow-----
in the beginning there was...a pop-tart
jesus time has gotten away from me this morning...nothing but work and still waaaay behind...so here i am blogging from this lame looking blog...just gonna write now and then customize it to be worthy of, well, anne detrick...
ok so i decided to give up sugar because i think bread or salt wouldn't be hard enough but i was a little indecisive because i thought i might be cheating in terms of the difficulty level on account of i've given up sugar for ramadan (30days) and lent (40+ days) a few times and i thought, welp this might be kinda easy. looked around (in my head, i mean) for something which would be tough but couldnt see what except lipstick (which my students suggested would be hard, but what they don't know is that they would be semi-appalled to see me without lipstick) so anyway, sugar it is. so i'm running around this morning and then i come to the bff's house to use her computer/socialize/fill out house re-fi papers cuz my internet's down and i grab a box of strawberry pop-tarts off her counter and i'm about to rip open the almost-but-not-quite-aluminum wrapper when i remember: no sugar! and my mind races backwardsforwards to the carmael frappucino i had wanted to grab earlier but hadn't found parking and now i realize, i can't eat sugar for the next two weeks. i'd completely forgotten, and now that i'm remembering, i reallllly want those pop-tarts. i'd already, in my head, seen them on my plate, toasted with melted butter drizzling off them (keep your judgment to yourself...apparently i'm the only one who butters pop-tarts, been doing it since birth and i can't imagine them any other way, i.e., dry) and now they're out of reach. the level of unhappiness that sweeps across my body/mind at this thought surprises me--first of all, strawberry pop-tarts is my least favorite, and when i'd first seen them on the counter, i was kind of like, hmmmm, do i REALLY want a strawberry pop-tart? maybe not....
but ten minutes later i couldn't deny the hunger and there they were in my mind, all heated and buttered, and i grabbed the box and... and at the same moment that i remembered my sugar ban--my total and complete sugar ban for two whole weeks--the word thanksgiving popped into my head, and then the image of a sweet potato pie downloaded itself into whatever part of my mind that can somehow see what's not actually there, in this case a brownish pie, and now, just writing that, my mouth actually watered. the human body really is geared towards all its senses...i see the pie, i think pie, my mouth waters...my whole being is saying, essentially, Are you crazy to give up sweets over thanksgiving?? and along with that thought comes the unbidden thought, welp you can cheat for one day, can't you? this comes to me so easily that it scares me...like, am i such a cheat and a liar that thoughts of lying and cheating come to me so quickly, so easily? but i know i won't cheat, even though even as i write "i won't cheat" more thoughts of cheating are coming at me. but i know my strength, and i know that creating the self takes something that feels good to give: sacrifice. men who cheat on the daily won't even begin to recognize what i'm talking about here, but then again, they probably cheat because they're insecure (if i lose this girl, i need to make sure i have a back-up, and i need a back-up to the back-up b/c if the 1st back-up finds out she was a back-up, she'll leave me so i need the 2nd back-up because....) and i'm not losing a person or whatever, i'm just losing my mind.
as i've been writing this, in my mind or wherever these things happen, i'm seeing my chocolate cookies and thinking about those caramel salted cupcakes coach is making on friday for the cross-country banquet...and that kinda sucks. but then again, two weeks is waaaaay less than 30 or 40-some days. so i'm good. and i'm aware--fully aware--that i'm only good at the moment cuz i'm stuffed, having eating a brick of cheese and a lotta bread to take my mind off the missing pop-tart. i'll be feeling differently in a couple of hours, almost guaranteed...
til next time.....
ok so i decided to give up sugar because i think bread or salt wouldn't be hard enough but i was a little indecisive because i thought i might be cheating in terms of the difficulty level on account of i've given up sugar for ramadan (30days) and lent (40+ days) a few times and i thought, welp this might be kinda easy. looked around (in my head, i mean) for something which would be tough but couldnt see what except lipstick (which my students suggested would be hard, but what they don't know is that they would be semi-appalled to see me without lipstick) so anyway, sugar it is. so i'm running around this morning and then i come to the bff's house to use her computer/socialize/fill out house re-fi papers cuz my internet's down and i grab a box of strawberry pop-tarts off her counter and i'm about to rip open the almost-but-not-quite-aluminum wrapper when i remember: no sugar! and my mind races backwardsforwards to the carmael frappucino i had wanted to grab earlier but hadn't found parking and now i realize, i can't eat sugar for the next two weeks. i'd completely forgotten, and now that i'm remembering, i reallllly want those pop-tarts. i'd already, in my head, seen them on my plate, toasted with melted butter drizzling off them (keep your judgment to yourself...apparently i'm the only one who butters pop-tarts, been doing it since birth and i can't imagine them any other way, i.e., dry) and now they're out of reach. the level of unhappiness that sweeps across my body/mind at this thought surprises me--first of all, strawberry pop-tarts is my least favorite, and when i'd first seen them on the counter, i was kind of like, hmmmm, do i REALLY want a strawberry pop-tart? maybe not....
but ten minutes later i couldn't deny the hunger and there they were in my mind, all heated and buttered, and i grabbed the box and... and at the same moment that i remembered my sugar ban--my total and complete sugar ban for two whole weeks--the word thanksgiving popped into my head, and then the image of a sweet potato pie downloaded itself into whatever part of my mind that can somehow see what's not actually there, in this case a brownish pie, and now, just writing that, my mouth actually watered. the human body really is geared towards all its senses...i see the pie, i think pie, my mouth waters...my whole being is saying, essentially, Are you crazy to give up sweets over thanksgiving?? and along with that thought comes the unbidden thought, welp you can cheat for one day, can't you? this comes to me so easily that it scares me...like, am i such a cheat and a liar that thoughts of lying and cheating come to me so quickly, so easily? but i know i won't cheat, even though even as i write "i won't cheat" more thoughts of cheating are coming at me. but i know my strength, and i know that creating the self takes something that feels good to give: sacrifice. men who cheat on the daily won't even begin to recognize what i'm talking about here, but then again, they probably cheat because they're insecure (if i lose this girl, i need to make sure i have a back-up, and i need a back-up to the back-up b/c if the 1st back-up finds out she was a back-up, she'll leave me so i need the 2nd back-up because....) and i'm not losing a person or whatever, i'm just losing my mind.
as i've been writing this, in my mind or wherever these things happen, i'm seeing my chocolate cookies and thinking about those caramel salted cupcakes coach is making on friday for the cross-country banquet...and that kinda sucks. but then again, two weeks is waaaaay less than 30 or 40-some days. so i'm good. and i'm aware--fully aware--that i'm only good at the moment cuz i'm stuffed, having eating a brick of cheese and a lotta bread to take my mind off the missing pop-tart. i'll be feeling differently in a couple of hours, almost guaranteed...
til next time.....
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