jesus time has gotten away from me this morning...nothing but work and still waaaay behind...so here i am blogging from this lame looking blog...just gonna write now and then customize it to be worthy of, well, anne detrick...
ok so i decided to give up sugar because i think bread or salt wouldn't be hard enough but i was a little indecisive because i thought i might be cheating in terms of the difficulty level on account of i've given up sugar for ramadan (30days) and lent (40+ days) a few times and i thought, welp this might be kinda easy. looked around (in my head, i mean) for something which would be tough but couldnt see what except lipstick (which my students suggested would be hard, but what they don't know is that they would be semi-appalled to see me without lipstick) so anyway, sugar it is. so i'm running around this morning and then i come to the bff's house to use her computer/socialize/fill out house re-fi papers cuz my internet's down and i grab a box of strawberry pop-tarts off her counter and i'm about to rip open the almost-but-not-quite-aluminum wrapper when i remember: no sugar! and my mind races backwardsforwards to the carmael frappucino i had wanted to grab earlier but hadn't found parking and now i realize, i can't eat sugar for the next two weeks. i'd completely forgotten, and now that i'm remembering, i reallllly want those pop-tarts. i'd already, in my head, seen them on my plate, toasted with melted butter drizzling off them (keep your judgment to yourself...apparently i'm the only one who butters pop-tarts, been doing it since birth and i can't imagine them any other way, i.e., dry) and now they're out of reach. the level of unhappiness that sweeps across my body/mind at this thought surprises me--first of all, strawberry pop-tarts is my least favorite, and when i'd first seen them on the counter, i was kind of like, hmmmm, do i REALLY want a strawberry pop-tart? maybe not....
but ten minutes later i couldn't deny the hunger and there they were in my mind, all heated and buttered, and i grabbed the box and... and at the same moment that i remembered my sugar ban--my total and complete sugar ban for two whole weeks--the word thanksgiving popped into my head, and then the image of a sweet potato pie downloaded itself into whatever part of my mind that can somehow see what's not actually there, in this case a brownish pie, and now, just writing that, my mouth actually watered. the human body really is geared towards all its senses...i see the pie, i think pie, my mouth waters...my whole being is saying, essentially, Are you crazy to give up sweets over thanksgiving?? and along with that thought comes the unbidden thought, welp you can cheat for one day, can't you? this comes to me so easily that it scares me...like, am i such a cheat and a liar that thoughts of lying and cheating come to me so quickly, so easily? but i know i won't cheat, even though even as i write "i won't cheat" more thoughts of cheating are coming at me. but i know my strength, and i know that creating the self takes something that feels good to give: sacrifice. men who cheat on the daily won't even begin to recognize what i'm talking about here, but then again, they probably cheat because they're insecure (if i lose this girl, i need to make sure i have a back-up, and i need a back-up to the back-up b/c if the 1st back-up finds out she was a back-up, she'll leave me so i need the 2nd back-up because....) and i'm not losing a person or whatever, i'm just losing my mind.
as i've been writing this, in my mind or wherever these things happen, i'm seeing my chocolate cookies and thinking about those caramel salted cupcakes coach is making on friday for the cross-country banquet...and that kinda sucks. but then again, two weeks is waaaaay less than 30 or 40-some days. so i'm good. and i'm aware--fully aware--that i'm only good at the moment cuz i'm stuffed, having eating a brick of cheese and a lotta bread to take my mind off the missing pop-tart. i'll be feeling differently in a couple of hours, almost guaranteed...
til next time.....
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